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Ted : Since 9/11!


Ted: Jesus, this is weak! It’s not even gettin’ me high. I think I’m gonna have a talk with my weed guy.
John Bennett: It’s workin’ for me.
Ted: I think it sucks, I’m gonna have a talk with him.
John Bennett: I don’t know that you wanna go to a drug dealer with complaints.
Ted: No, I’ve known this guy a long time. I’ve known him since 9/11. Do you remember? I was like; ‘Oh, shit, 9/11. I gotta get high.’
John Bennett: Is it nine thirty?
Ted: Yeah.

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Ted : Doesn’t Have A Penis!


Tami-Lynn: He’s actually pretty good at sex, even though he doesn’t have a penis.

Ted: Yeah, I’ve written a lot of letters to Hasbro about that.

Ted : Like A Vacuum Cleaner!


Ted: I bet you treat your wife like a vacuum cleaner. She both sucks and blows. And when you are done with her, you throw her back into the closet.

Ted : I’m A Fucking Teddy Bear!


Ted: Lori was right about you: you cannot take responsibility for anything that goes on in your life.

John Bennett: Oh, and you can?

Ted: I dont have to, I’m a fucking teddy bear.

Ted : Nothing Is More!


Nothing is more powerful than a young boys wish… except an apache helicopter… those things have machine guns and missles.

Ted : Teddy Ruxpin!


John:  Sometimes I think back to that Christmas morning when I was eight years old…I just wish I’d gotten a Teddy Ruxpin!

Ted : You’re Hired


Ted: That’s because I was busy eating your wife’s pussy.

Frank: Nobody’s ever spoken to me like that before.

Ted: That’s because their mouths were full of your wife’s box.

Frank: You’re hired.

Ted: Shit.